“When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb” ~ Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd

There’s a general stereotype that GenX’ers are aloof, gruff, snarky, sarcastic, and champions of “tough love.”

Whether that stereotype is justified or not, and whether you identify with that stereotype or not, there’s one thing that I feel was true for me and other GenX’ers I know who grew up in the 70s and 80s:

We weren’t raised to understand or value our feelings and emotions.

In my experience, the phrase “in touch with your emotions” was frowned upon.

If I was upset about something, I was told to “stop crying” because everything was going to be okay.

Or if I was crying when I got in trouble, my mom would roll out the classic line: “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

I certainly wasn’t raised to “talk about my feelings.” In fact, feelings were taboo and something you should never talk about because (like money), it could make other people uncomfortable.

If I had a penny for every time I was told to “suck it up” or “pull myself up with my bootstraps,” I could have put myself through college.

And, like many GenX’ers, I was raised by my Baby Boomer parents on the notion of “tough love.” This was based on the theory that it would teach us personal responsibility. In reality (at least for me), it taught me to subjugate and ignore my feelings and emotions so that I could be a “productive, successful” member of society, where toughness is valued over softness. Where “falling in line” is valued over “standing out.”

Over my lifetime, I was conditioned to believe that if I was more in touch with my emotions I’d be seen as “weird.” If I acknowledged that I was sad or lonely or depressed, it would mean I was weak. And if I told anyone else that I was anything less than “fine,” it would make them too uncomfortable. (Because I was expected to manage everyone else’s feelings on top of my own).

I learned that I should value being stoic, tough, and “in control” of emotions over being soft, sensitive, and vulnerable.

The result: I spent most of my life comfortably numb.

And I thought that was a good thing.

The problems with being comfortably numb

Contrary to what some GenX’ers believe, numbing ourselves to our feelings and emotions does not make us stronger.

In fact, according to the Manhattan Mental Health Counseling, we (and by “we” I mean all Americans) are experiencing “an epidemic of disconnectedness.”

“Our subconscious contains a powerful mechanism that allows us to create distance from our own feelings, emotions, and desires for long periods of time. The problem is that those emotions never go away — they just get buried deep in our psyche and fester there unresolved. Left unaddressed, they can lead to a wide range of complications ranging from chronic illness to depression or sometimes even explosive breakdowns.” — Manhattan Mental Health Counseling

That shouldn’t surprise anyone. Nor should the ramifications come as a surprise:

• Depression and anxiety

• Low self-esteem

• Memory issues

• High blood pressure

• Diabetes

• Increased aggression

• Obesity

• Suppressed immune system

• Digestive issues

• Fibromyalgi

• Fatigue, loss of energy

• …and more.

(I always shudder when I see “and more.” Translation: there’s so much that we can’t even name, so look out!).

There are various causes for this disconnection, like our social and cultural influences or childhood trauma. (I also want to be aware of the various neuro-abilities (like autism) that make it challenging for some people to connect to their feelings and emotions).

So, without going into all of the potential causes, and assuming that you are a GenX’er who is willing and able to learn to connect to your feelings and emotions, let me give you a pragmatic practice that can teach you to slowly lean into your feelings.

Understanding your “primary feeling states”

If connecting to your feelings and emotions feels overwhelming for you, that’s understandable. Remember: you’re working with a lifetime of conditioning that tells you it’s not safe, comfortable, or acceptable to connect to your feelings and emotions.

Anytime we’re inviting ourselves into something new, I’m a firm believer in going slow, so that we don’t re-traumatize ourselves or set ourselves up for a setback.

So, let’s start with the difference between “feelings” and “emotions.”

Humans have three “primary feeling states” that register in our bodies (our nervous systems) in response to any event and that give rise to our full range of human “emotions”

These primary feeling states are:

• Pleasant

• Unpleasant

• Neutral

That’s it. All human emotions arise from these three primary feelings states. For example, “happiness” may register as “pleasant.” “Anger” may register as “unpleasant.” And “apathy” may register as “neutral.”

The invitation is to familiarize yourself with these three feeling states.

The next time you hear something on the news, are having a conversation, are stuck in traffic, or are eating, pause and:

• become aware of the physical sensations you notice in the body (tingling, warms, contraction, buzzing, etc.),

• and then be curious about whether those sensations are pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

That’s it for now! Don’t concern yourself with identifying what the emotions are that arise from those feeling states. Just start here and practice, practice, practice identifying those feeling states every chance you get.

(Note: for some people, turning toward our physical sensations and feeling states may begin to trigger intense reactions. If that happens, don’t force yourself to continue connecting to the feeling states. Reach out to a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner for support or to me for additional resources).

How can GenX benefit from this practice?

I believe that GenX is a generation of powerful, creative, insightful individuals who not only have done amazing work in this world, but who also can be part of creating a more connected, empowering world for everyone.

A lot of the characteristics for which we sometimes get a bad rap–like our strength and independence–can be used for our benefit and others’ when we know how to use them wisely.

Look at this way: many GenX’ers have spent most of our lives comfortably numb. And yet, we’ve accomplished tremendous things functioning with just a fraction of our human emotions. Just imagine what would be possible if we stopped cutting ourselves off from the full array of human feelings and emotions. Imagine what you could do for yourself and others if you allowed for the fullness of your humanity.

Michele L. Walter is a Certified Professional Coach, Certified Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, and owner of Life From The Summit, Mindfulness and Coaching. She writes about topics that speak to the forgotten GenX’ers who are facing a myriad of transitions at this stage of life. Michele is passionate about guiding these lost and restless 40/50-year-olds through these transitions to more peace, freedom, and badassery. If you like this article, please consider sharing it or even supporting Michele’s work by buying her a coffee. And come join the Life From The Summit journey to receive weekly insights, resources, and tips.