16 Bullshit-Free Tips to Connect to Your Purpose in Your 40s/50s

This is joy and desire in your 50s!

A lot of GenX’ers I know — myself included — hit their 40s or 50s and start to wonder:

Who am I?

What am I doing with my life?

Is this all there is?

These kinds of existential questions can weigh heavy on our hearts.

Speaking from my own experience, these kinds of questions caused me to spiral into a deep depression in my late 40s/early 50s.

And many GenX’ers— folks who roughly are 43 to 58 — are grappling big time with these questions right now.

It makes sense. We weren’t a generation who was raised to “find our purpose.”

Generally speaking, we were raised to find a good job, live the American dream that society shoved down our throats, and shut up and be grateful for what we have.

Although everyone’s experience is different, my experience and what I’ve seen with a lot of other GenX’ers, is that the messaging we received growing up left us feeling like “purpose” was some kind of luxury.

So, after decades of societal conditioning and working to build a “good life,” how the hell do you figure out what your true purpose is?

As someone who quit her 20-year federal government lawyer career to start her own business at age 48 so that I could live into my purpose, I have some thoughts on that question.

In fact, I have 16 thoughts or tips, all of which I’ve done and still do in varying degrees.

These are the practical, no bullshit steps that I took to help me find — and continue to find — my purpose.

It’s an ongoing process and probably will be until the day I die because I don’t know that purpose is stagnant. It can continue to evolve throughout our life.

So buckle up . . . these aren’t passive, mamby-pamby tips. These take intention and effort. You’re not signing up for a laidback cruise when it comes to finding your purpose. You’re setting out on a journey to bushwhack a new path through the dense forest of your life..

(1) Make a List of Things That Bring You Joy

When I felt utterly lost about my purpose, I got the Divine Download to start keeping a list in the “notes” app on my iPhone of all the things that bring me joy.

It didn’t matter how silly or small the thing was . . . if it brought me joy, it went on the list.

Everything from playing with my dog, to listening to birds, to hiking, to helping people, to dog training.

Over time — probably a few months — some patterns started to emerge that gave me insight into the things that lit me up . . . that made me feel purposeful.

That list eventually led me to get my coaching and mindfulness certifications.

Keep your own Things That Bring Me Joy List. Put anything and everything on there that brings you joy. Allow the list to grow for a few months . . . and see what starts to emerge.

(2) Try One Small New Thing New Every Day

This goes hand-in-hand with the next tip. If you’re a creature of habit, this one can be challenging and . . . necessary.

Again, it doesn’t matter how silly or small this new thing is.

Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand.

Take a different way to work.

Wear your pants backwards (well, only if it’s comfortable).

Put on mismatched socks.

Style your hair differently.

Use ellipses . . . .

The point isn’t to make you look silly (although, who gives a shit?). The “point” is to tap into more creativity . . . get you off auto-pilot.

A lot of folks, especially 40/50-year-olds, are way too comfy in our comfort zones. So if we want to open the channels for our purpose to come through, we need to shake up our old habits and patterns.

To do that, start with one small, new thing every day.

(3) Pay Attention to the Nudges

Along with doing one small, new thing every day is the invitation to pay attention to the nudges . . . the little whispers.

Maybe you get a nudge to go left instead of right on your way to work. Who cares if it makes sense . . . follow it and see what happens.

It can be freaking hard to notice and follow these little nudges. But — like everything that I teach — this is a muscle that can be trained with practice.

Tune into where you feel these “nudges” show up in your body: in your gut, a voice in your head, an overall feeling?

One caveat: there is a line between a “nudge” and something that may be an unhealthy or harmful impulse. In other words, a “nudge” is not “flip off the driver who just cut you off.” That’s a reactive impulse. The nudge might actually live beneath that impulse: “let that driver go. Take a breath.”

The point here isn’t to give you a crash course in connecting to your intuition; rather, the invitation is to be curious (see Tip 10) about these little nudges, when they show up, and where they live in your body.

(4) Ask Your Friends Two Things

Let your friends me your mirror to reflect back clues about your purpose.

Ask them:

(a) When do they think you’re at your best . . . in your flow . . . the most joyful; and

(b) What do they think gets in your way of being at your best, in the flow, or more joyful more of the time?

That last one may be tough . . . and your friends may resist answering. So, invite in curiosity (Tip 10) and self-compassion (Tip 7). Explain to your friends that their honest, compassionate feedback is important for you to get a different perspective on what your purpose may be.

(5) Learn Your Zone of Genius

If you haven’t heard of or found your Zone of Genius, you’re not alone. A lot of people haven’t.

I invite you to read the book, The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks. In it, Hendricks talks about the “Zone of Genius,” which is

the set of activities you are uniquely suited to do. They draw upon your special gifts and strengths. Your Zone of Genius beckons you with increasingly strong calls as you go through your life. (p. 34).

Knowing your Zone of Genius is a game-changer for connecting to your purpose.

Equally important is knowing what’s not in your Zone of Genius. The Big Leap goes through through three other Zones: Incompetence, Competence, and Excellence. Anything that falls in those other three Zones are things to try — as much as possible — to move off your plate, delegate, or forget about so that you can free up more space and energy to focus on your Zone of Genius.

(6) Get Still and Be Quiet

It’s no surprise that if you want to hear life’s little nudges about your purpose, learning how to get still and be quiet is a no-brainer.

But, I’m not talking about sitting without moving or trying to “stop your thoughts.” I’m talking about mindfulness meditation.

Practicing the two wings of mindfulness (paying attention to the present moment with compassion/non-judgment) teaches us to be more of an observer of our lives. Mindfulness holds the potential to help us sift through all the noise, messages, conditioning, and beliefs that block the light of our purpose from shining through.

(7) Practice Self-Compassion

Related to the second wing of mindfulness (compassion/non-judgment) is the practice of self-compassion.

After a lifetime of kicking your true purpose to the curb, it can be overwhelming, uncomfortable, and disorienting to now give yourself permission to invite that purpose back into your life.

Our minds can overflow with with judgments about ourselves, our lives, and decisions we’ve made. Also, we can fall prey to messages about how silly or self-indulgent it is to try to find our purpose . . . how we should just be grateful for where we are . . . how we don’t deserve to see what else life could hold for us.

When those unsupportive and judgmental messages come up, the invitation is to go back to Tip 6 (mindfulness) and bring in Tip 7 to show yourself some kindness. (This also pairs well, like a fine red wine with a tasty pasta dish, with Tips 14 and 15).

If you need a quick self-compassion tutorial (which most GenX’ers do), check out my Basic Self-Compassion Talk and Meditation on Soundcloud.

Why is self-compassion so critical on this journey to your purpose?

Because, contrary to the messages most of us received growing up, beating ourselves up and pushing through life isn’t actually a sustainable way of life . . .

nor does it allow you to fully embrace your divine right to your purpose.

Don’t believe me? Maybe you’ll believe the science on self-compassion.

(8) Hire a Coach

I’m not saying this because I’m a coach. I’m saying this because I’ve hired coaches who were instrumental in helping me discover my purpose.

Contrary to popular belief, the role of a coach is not to tell you what to do. And a good coach is not going to tell you what your purpose is.

Instead, a coach will work with you — over time, not over night — to ask thoughtful questions that help uncover the insights and wisdom that have been hidden inside of you this whole time. And through that process, you can learn to recognize those unsupportive messages, beliefs, and conditioned patterns of behavior and how to handle them. Then, you’ll be able to open up space for your true insights (and purpose) to come through.

(9) Write Your Obituary

Before you gasp in horror and chalk up this tip as too morbid, hear me out.

I’ve written my own obituary. I read it almost every day. And it’s not your standard 4-paragraph 1-column obituary you’d see in a newspaper. It’s a vision and story for how I imagine my life will unfold.

Writing your obituary is a creative act of visualization for what you want your life to be.

Plus, writing your obituary will create “cognitive dissonance,” which happens when you have conflicting beliefs, attitude, or behaviors. Cognitive dissonance is so uncomfortable that we try to avoid it at all costs because we don’t like to feel inner conflict. One way we try to avoid cognitive dissonance is by eliminating the conflict, i.e., to make the life we envision align with the life we actually have.

So, if you write your beautiful obituary to reflect the life that you want to have, your brain will say, “oh shit, our life doesn’t look like that right now. Better start making that happen.”

The cognitive dissonance that may occur through writing your obituary can motivate you to take action to find that purpose and, thus, create the life that’s reflected in your obituary.

I recommend reading your obituary every day or several times a week. Stoke that motivation. Remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Not sure how to write your obituary? Shoot me a message . . . I’ll send you mine as a sample.

Just write your damn obituary . . . it’s a powerful portal to your purpose.

Photo by Max Saeling on Unsplash

(10) Practice Curiosity

There are benefits to being curious:

• combats boredom

• expands knowledge

• promotes learning

• keeps you open-minded

• allows for creativity

• opens your perspective

All of these benefits are useful for connecting to your purpose.

How can you invite in more curiosity?

• Practice mindfulness (particularly the second wing of compassion/non-judgment) (Tip 6).

• Ask a question instead of responding with a comment.

• Listen more and talk less.

• Read more.

• Do things that don’t seem interesting.

• Try one small new thing every day (Tip 2).

• Keep a list of things that bring you joy (Tip 1).

(11) Connect to Your WHO

Here’s another book recommendation — Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, by James Clear.

James Clear talks about developing your identity statement — the “WHO” you want to be. This doesn’t have to be one big WHO statement for your life; you can develop lots of different WHO statements, e.g., for being a runner, a lawyer, a significant other, a friend, etc.

The key is to make your WHO statement something that’s “flexible” and not “rigid.” This allows for (a) you to be human and get off track once in awhile without undermining your WHO identity; and (b) growth and learning (which is helpful for Tip 14).

For example, I’ve been slowly easing back into running over the last few months. When I started running again, my WHO statement was not “I’m a runner” or even “I’m someone who runs 5 times a week.” Those are too rigid — they don’t allow for me to miss a day and still feel like aligned with my WHO, and they don’t incorporate learning and growth.

Instead, my WHO statement was (and is):

“I’m someone who is learning what it means to be a runner again at 51 and beyond.”

That statement opens up the ways in which I can be aligned with my WHO.

For example, if all I do is put on my running shoes, but I don’t go for a run, I’m still someone who is learning what it means to be a runner again at 51 and beyond. Conversely, if my WHO statement was “I’m a runner,” then simply putting on my running shoes without going for a run would feel like a failure.

My flexible WHO statement allows me to be curious (Tip 10) and find success in the tiny steps (Tip 15).

And your WHO statement is relevant to connecting to your purpose because it invites you to reflect on the kind of person that you want to be — which is relevant for your obituary (Tip 9) and aligning with your WHY (Tip 12).

What is one WHO statement that you can come up with today? (If you want some help, reach out to me. Or share your WHO statement in the comments to inspire others).

(12) Discover and Align with Your WHY

I considered putting this Tip as number 1 because it’s that foundational, in my opinion. It’s also a little deeper work, which is why it’s at number 12.

Your WHY is your North Star . . . your sense of direction.

In the coaching world, we call this your Core Values.

I cannot overstate the importance of getting crystal clear on your Core Values.

Without Core Values, you’re kind of free-floating in space, untethered to any sense of direction and, thus, disconnected from your purpose.

I ain’t gonna lie . . . Core Values work is, well . . . work. And, it’s some of the most powerful work I do with my clients and that I’ve done for myself.

So, back to my running example. I started learning how to run again to be more in alignment with two of my Core Values — Growth (which includes a lot of sub-values like Physical Growth) and Freedom.

The reason it’s important to tie my running and my WHO statement to my WHY (my Core Values) is because my WHY gives me fuel to take one small step toward my WHO on those days when I just don’t feel like it.

When you discover and live your life in a way that aligns with your Core Values, you live from your own Inner Compass . . . your own internal guidance system.

To support you in developing your WHY and WHO and cultivating your Inner Compass, grab your free Inner Compass Masterclass audio series, which takes you through 3 steps (including finding your WHO) to find your way back to yourself, what matters, and your purpose.

(13) Be Honest About What Gets in Your Way

If you know your WHO and your WHY, you’re on your way down a new path to more freedom and purpose. That path isn’t always going to be clear and free from obstacles though. And sometimes, your biggest obstacles are your own beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions.

Photo by Jaco Pretorius on Unsplash

This is why, in Tip 4, I recommend that you ask your friends what gets in the way of you being at your best and most joyful.

We have to start being honest with ourselves about the internal weather that obscures our path forward.

The free Inner Compass Masterclass audio also takes you through an exercise to learn what gets in the way of honoring your Core Values.

(14) Live in the “Humility Zone”

Here’s a final book recommendation: How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don’t) by Ross Ellenhorn, PhD.

In fact, if you only read one book from my recommendations today, let it be this one.

This book changed (no pun intended) how I view change — for myself and my clients.

I won’t give away the ten reasons why we don’t change; but, I will reveal one of the biggest takeaways from the book: the “humility zone.” (p. 211).

“When you’re able to reach the humility zone, you feel enough pride to keep going but not so much that you lose track of where you are in that tension between what you want and getting it; you feel modesty, but don’t get discouraged by the image you see in the mirror.”

While cognitive dissonance (from Tip 9) can motivate you to try to make change, the humility zone supports you by honoring where you are now, and simultaneously feeling motivated to move forward instead of feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed.

Humility is necessary every step of the way. We can celebrate and be proud of the steps we’ve taken, while also not getting too full of ourselves.

And, in my opinion, humility is buttressed by self-compassion (Tip 7). It can be easier to have humility for the steps it will take to live into our purpose, if we can be kind to ourselves right where we are now. We can see that our life isn’t quite where we want it to be, while also showing ourselves some compassion for how we’ve navigated our lives up to this point.

(15) Take Tiny Steps, One at a Time

This seems like a no-brainer, but it never ceases to amaze me how many independent, strong-willed GenX’ers want to take their lives from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds.

The Guidebook that accompanies your free Inner Compass Masterclass audio includes an Aligned Action Tracker that invites you to take tiny steps, be accountable for them, and celebrate them.

If you feel overwhelmed by the thought of connecting to your purpose, the antidote is this: tiny steps, one at a time, mixed with humility and self-compassion every step of the way.

(16) Plant Seeds

I’m a big fan of the phrase “planting seeds.”

When you plant a seed, you don’t (or I hope you don’t) sit there for days on end waiting for the first little sprout to pop up to the surface.

You plant that seed with care, love, and faith that it will grow.

That little seed starts doing miraculous things below the surface that you can’t even see. Then one day, all the care, love, and faith that you put into planting that seed, results in a new plant bursting through the surface into the sunlight.

That plant or tree or whatever it is, grows taller and taller, reaching for the sun. And all because you planted a seed.

You never know how the seeds you plant today will sprout tomorrow, next week, or five years from now.

Sometimes that uncertainty doesn’t sit well with us. We like to know that our seeds are going to give us some magic beans!

But, if we can lean on faith . . . mixed with all of the other tips I’ve mentioned . . . you will eventually see that the seeds you’ve planted have sprouted up all around you . . .

leaving you are standing in the most stunning and vibrant garden.

That garden holds your purpose.

I hope that these tips have planted some seeds for you.

Pick one to water and nourish . . . have faith . . . be patient . . . and then plant some more.

What tip can you start with today?