Navigating Childlessness in Your 40s and 50s: A GenX Perspective

Growing up in the era of mixtapes, scrunchies, and MTV (back when it actually played music videos), Generation X emerged as the laidback yet resilient generation of edgy rebels. We were the ones who refused to be put in a box.

And the rebellious nature that we embraced as children of the 70s and 80s, grew into a fierce independence (for better or worse) as we became adults.

In fact, GenX is often viewed as the generation that reinvented adulthood. Christian Kurz, senior vice president of global consumer insights at Viacom, is quoted as saying:

“While nobody was looking, [GenX] really re-invented what adulthood means[.]”

Some of the ways that GenXers reinvented adulthood include:

• taking unconventional career paths (like entrepreneurship);

• having strong career ambition and work ethic where many GenXers working in excess of 40 hours a week;

• delaying marriage or not marrying at all;

• redefining notions of “family” and “family structure.”

In addition, as GenXers entered adulthood, we also were hit by number of external factors, like:

• significant college debt;

• the 1987 stock market crash as we entered the workforce; and

• the housing slump.

Wrap all of that up into a mixtape and you have a soundtrack for a generational movie where more people in their 40s and 50s are childless.

But what does it mean to be “childless?”

The Distinction Between “Childless” and “Childfree”

Most statistics and articles that I’ve found seem to focus on the number of GenXers who “don’t have children,” without making a distinction between what it means to be “childless” versus “childfree.”

“Childfree” means that the person or couple has made an active or more conscious choice not to have children, whereas “childless” means that there has not been an active or more conscious choice not to have children. In fact, there is a term to reflect this: Childless Not By Choice (“CNBC”).

Individuals who are CNBC actually grew up and maybe spent much of their adulthood believing that “someday” they would have children; but, life, circumstances, and other factors got in the way, like:

• fertility issues;

• career paths;

• not finding the right partner;

• financial barriers;

• lack of family support;

• other physical, emotional, or mental challenges; and

• lack of certain privileges or abilities.

The journey for anyone who is CNBC can be one that is filled with grief, stigma, freedom, sadness, loneliness, and joy . . . like a mix-tape you’d make after a break-up.

I want to focus on the GenX journey of being CNBC because, as a 51-year-old childless GenXer, I have some perspective on this issue. And, just to be clear: although my perspective is as someone who identifies as a woman, being childless does not just affect those who identify as a woman. Childlessness affects anyone, regardless of gender-identification, who finds themselves CNBC.

So, for any GenXer who finds themselves CNBC, this — and the upcoming articles this week — are for you.

A GenX Perspective on Childlessness

What sets GenXers apart from other generations isn’t just our love of nostalgia and 80s music. It’s also our ability to be resilient, creative, and adaptable. And we can use these traits to help us navigate the journey of being childless in our 40s and beyond.

At the same time, we want to become aware of the double-edge sword of some of our other GenX traits, like that fierce independence and our strong-willed, rebellious nature.

So, here’s my perspective on using some of our GenX traits to help us navigate being childless:

Be resilient: GenXers lived through everything from the Challenger disaster to the Cold War. We even lived through permed hair and aerobics. We are some resilient mofo’s. Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from setbacks and difficulties. And GenXers have the ability to spring back from challenges like a new Slinky right out of the box. But, please note: resiliency doesn’t mean “silver-lining” your way through or “sucking it up.” True resilience happens when we face the challenge, move through it (not around it), and learn from it to grow. We can learn from this journey of childlessness — not in a way that blames or shames us because of the paths that we’ve taken in life. Rather, we can learn in away that gives us strength and insight to move forward.

Build community: Although GenXers are fiercely independent, we also have the ability to be tremendous community builders. I mean, we were the generation of hip hop and grunge! Navigating childlessness is no time to go it alone. We need community to face the grief and loneliness that can come with being childless. And what better community could we have than a bunch of 80's-loving, free-spirited GenXers. Now is the time to rally our generation to support each other through being childless.

Tap into creativity: GenXers are insanely creative, with a beautiful entrepreneurial streak. So now is the time to discover or embrace your creativity — whatever that looks like. Creativity is a powerful way to move through grief, and being childless can bring up lot of grief. Use that creativity or entrepreneurial spirit to maybe start a business or a side-hustle. There are so many other ways to birth something new into the world or leave a legacy besides having a child. So, tap into your creativity!

Have balanced independence: By all means embrace that GenX independence, and remember to balance it with building community. GenXers can use our rebellious, independent nature to our advantage to be our original damn selves. So, embrace who you are and where you are in life. Find courage and confidence to do things on your own and march to your own drum, while still recognizing that you need support and community along the way.

Take the unconventional path: Society already views childless people as “unconventional.” Lean into that. Take more unconventional paths in your life. Find other areas of your life where you can you tap into your inner GenX rebel and break free from societal expectations and norms.

Own your strength: GenXers are strong — sometimes to a fault when we try to white-knuckle our way through life all on our own. And, our strength that be an asset when it comes to facing the grief and loneliness that can come with being childless. Instead of white-knuckling through or ignoring the challenging emotions that arise on this childless journey, use your strength to face that darkness and ask for support.

Dance it out: I don’t care if it’s grunge, hip-hop, metal, or soft rock — GenXers love to dance. Moving through the journey of childlessness may actually require moving your body. So dance it out — whether you’re feeling sad, lonely, or happy on your childless journey. Don’t worry if anyone is watching. Imagine that you’re on American Bandstand if you want!

Join World Childless Week

September 11–17, 2023 is World Childless Week. I’m joining the activities so that I can get more support for my childless journey. And invite you to come along too.

To honor World Childless Week, watch this space for more articles from me this week to share my journey of being a childless GenXer.

Are you a childless GenXer? Let me know below.