Staying in the Darkness and Uncertainty

Hot air balloon landing near my house.

You may have noticed (or maybe not!) that you haven't heard much from me lately.

And there's good reason for that . . .

I've been in a re-evaluation mode.

You see, back in May, after Well-Being Week in Law was over, I felt pretty tapped out. I'd put a lot of effort and energy into everything I was doing and offering for that week. And, as amazing as it was, it left me pretty spent.

Can you relate?

So I listened to what my body, heart, and soul needed, which was to unplug for a few days . . .

Then a few days turned into a couple of weeks . . .

And a couple of weeks turned into a couple of months.

Now here I am.

For two months I've basically been unplugged . . . from social media (except for doom scrolling, which is never healthy and a topic for another day), from emails, and from a lot of people in general.

I've been in cocoon mode. And I've given myself 100% permission to be there.

How? Or better yet, why?

Because a few years ago, I learned the hard way what happens when I don't listen to that little voice. That gentle whisper that's telling me "something needs to change here."

A few years ago I told that little voice to get the fuck outta here.

My bigger voice - the one in my head - told me to keep trudging along . . . that this was just a phase . . . that I needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps . . . that I needed to be grateful for the job, the house, the privileges I have. That I needed to quit bitchin' and moanin' . . .

AND, most of all, that big voice told me that I couldn't give myself permission to slow down, to rest, to re-evaluate . . .

Or, worse yet . . . that I couldn't just be lost and uncertain.

And what happened when I let my big voice run the show instead of my little voice?

I became an anxious, depressed ball of anger and nerves. And it took me to a very dark place.

I ultimately learned the hard way that the big voice is a superficial, oblivious, judgmental jackass that is only concerned with keeping me safe, small, and stuck in the bullshit stories I've been told all my life.

And what I've gradually learned over the last few years is that my little voice is my savior . . .

My little voice is where the real wisdom and power lie.

So, fast forward to a couple of months ago on May 8 when I felt pretty tapped out . . . you can be damned sure that I listened to that little voice when it started whispering to me.

And what it was whispering was that "something is off" . . .

"something needs to change or shift . . ."

"something else deep inside wants to come through and be expressed."

But what exactly?

I have no freaking clue . . . not yet anyway.

But I can tell you this . . . something is percolating. Something is rising up within me, inviting me to really, deeply listen and trust.

So, instead of judging myself for not having the energy to just keep on trudging along and forcing myself to do shit that wasn't resonating with me anymore, I've given myself 100% permission to JUST BE WHERE I AM.

And where I am is in a place of no certainty: financially, personally, or professionally.

But that place . . . could not be more freaking exciting!!

Yep . . . I am immensely grateful for this place of uncertainty, rest, and re-evaluation. Because I deeply trust that this is the process. Life isn't linear. Life is all about moving between comfort, discomfort and fear, new learning, and growth (which ultimately becomes the new comfort). And then the process starts all over again. It's a spiral, not a straight line.

So I am deeply listening to what is trying to come through.

The one thing I do know is this: I can't take people - I can't encourage you to go - where I haven't gone myself.

And if I want to be the guide (and I do!) who shines the light for people to bushwhack their own path instead of mindlessly wandering like a zombie down the well-trodden path of others, then I have to be willing to go on that journey for myself.

So, on July 29 I'm setting out for my 7-week roadtrip with my dog, Winnie, to Canada and Alaska.

I know, on some indescribable level, that this trip is part of the journey I need to take deep within myself.

So, I'll be pretty unplugged during that time (except for maybe some emails or social media posts along the way that I'll do if/when the inspiration hits me).

So stay tuned . . .

I don't know what is going to emerge, but I can't WAIT to see! And better yet, I can't wait to share it with you.

Have a safe and wonderful summer . . . maybe go try to find a new path to explore.