Why It’s Important for GenX to Find Desire and Joy Right Now!
As I mentioned previously, I’m exploring a topic I call “For the Love of GenX: How GenX’ers Can Learn to Love Themselves in Their 40’s and 50’s.”
How we can learn to embrace a “mid-life” awakening instead of a “mid-life” crisis (to the extent you want to call this “mid-life”).
And I want to shine a light on something fascinating that I’ve noticed about most GenX’ers.
Generally speaking, we were raised to be independent, self-sufficient, and free-spirited; yet, we weren’t raised to give ourselves permission to ask ourselves what we deeply desire.
We also developed a wildly creative and entrepreneurial spirit. (In fact, Gen Xer’s have invented a lot of shit . . . from Amazon to grunge and hip hop); yet, many of us haven’t given ourselves full permission to let that creativity run wild.
What I’ve noticed is that despite our independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity, we’ve fallen into some shadowy aspects of these otherwise amazing qualities.
For example, in our quest for independence, many of us have become dependent on the lifestyles, careers, and identities that we’ve created for ourselves, often according to what family, society, and culture expected of us.
Many of us also have become self-sufficient to a fault, where we often don’t ask for help or seek support and, instead, tell ourselves that “I can do this all on my own,” thereby leading to isolation or loneliness.
And we’ve stifled our creativity by conforming to societal standards that demand left-brained logical and analytical thinking. Or maybe—worse yet—we’ve rejected any notion that we actually are creative.
The way I see it, there’s a consequence of these shadowy aspects of independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity: we often have suppressed what we truly . . . deeply . . . desire.
In the quest to become independent, self-sufficient, and successful by society’s left-brained standards, it has never occurred to us to ask what we deeply desire.
How do those words even land for you . . . “deep desire?” Does it feel kind of weird and discombobulating . . .
like you want to blurt our “Shazbot” ala Robin Williams style in Mork and Mindy when he didn’t understand something?
If so, that makes sense. A question like “what do you deeply desire” can be as incomprehensible as a foreign language that you don’t know how to speak.
But this question—“what do I deeply desire?”—is a critical one for moving through our 40’s and 50’s.
Why?
Because knowing what you deeply desire is how you move from feeling like you’re in crisis mode in your 40’s and 50’s . . .
to feeling like you’re waking up!
It’s the difference between “getting through” this stage of life . . .
and “transforming through” this stage of life.
But why does it have to be a deep desire? Why can’t we just ask, “what do I want” or “wish for” or “hope for” instead?
Because “wants,” “wishes,” and “hopes” are kind of meh . . .
they’re all kind of passive.
They all seem to imply that somehow, something or someone outside of us, will deliver to us what we want, wish or hope for, without us doing anything about it.
There’s often a lot that we want . . . .
maybe to weigh less . . . look different . . . have more money . . . have a better love life or even A love life.
And we make “wishes” on our birthdays or when we see a shooting star because we believe that something magical will serve up our wish without us doing anything to make it happen.
And we “hope” because we don’t know what else to do . . . like when we “hope things work out.” “Hope” can sometimes be like winging it . . . like a Hail Mary.
“Wants,” “wishes,” and “hopes,” usually don’t go much beyond dreaming and fantasizing . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that.
And, as we used to say in Nebraska,
“You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.”
So when we ask what we deeply desire . . . now that has some fire in it.
That has some passion . . . some pull . . . some energy . . . some action behind it.
Sidenote: don’t get all caught up in some religious messaging that “desire is bad” or “lustful.” (So what if it is . . . out of curiosity, where did you learn that such things may be “bad”? And would you like the support of a coach to help you bust through those limiting beliefs . . . wink, wink).
“Desire” is empowering . . .
like how U2 talks about it in the song “Desire.” That song is about possibilities . . . it’s about love over money.
As U2’s lead singer, Bono, beautifully explained in an interview:
“Desire comes out of wanting what is yours, and still wanting it even if it’s not there yet . . . .”
That’s the power of desire . . .
it’s pointing to something that is already yours . . .
already inside you.
Desire is a deeper level of wanting, wishing, and hoping.
Like this kid over here (me) . . . she’s got that look like there’s a deep desire that’s already in her. Like she knows.
When you desire something, you feel magnetically drawn to it.
Like you can’t sleep without it . . .
don’t want to live without it (but not in some weird obsessive way). More like you don’t want to live without it the way you don’t want to live without air . . .
it’s life-giving.
When you find something that you deeply desire, now that’s some shit that you will actively go after.
You won’t just passively sit around and toss it up to the whim of a shooting star to breathe life into your desire.
Nah . . . you will exercise all the agency and autonomy that you can muster to bring that desire to life yourself.
Desire compels you to move from the shadowy aspects of independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity into the lighter, more powerful aspects of those qualities.
Desire invites you to exercise your independence to take action toward your desire, while also recognizing that it is necessary to rely and depend on others to support and guide you.
Desire encourages you to rely on your self-sufficiency to recognize that no one can make your desire happen for you, while also recognizing that you need the inspiration and support of community to bring your desire to life.
Desire motivates you to become a creative genius who finds any and every reasonable way possible to manifest the shit out of your desire, while also recognizing that some logic will be necessary as well.
When we can balance those amazing qualities of independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity with interdependence, community, and reasonable logic . . .
we step into some powerful paradoxes.
To be independent, we must also be interdependent.
To be self-sufficient, we need community.
To be creative, we also need some logic.
When we can embrace those paradoxes, we can bring to life what we deeply desire.
Only through that deep desire will you find the amazing gifts that our 40s and 50s have to offer.
What if, to realize the lighter and more empowered sides of independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity that are already in you, all you need to do is tune into your deepest desires?
Another sidenote: we are not talking about glutinous, harmful, impulsive, or obsessive thoughts or feelings. I don’t even classify those as “desires.” So I’m not talking about eating an entire cake, punching your annoying boss in the face, leaving your family, or anything along those lines, even if you think that is what you “desire.”
Desire, to me, is more pure, empowering, and light . . .
Again . . . “desires” are like the air you breathe . . .
They give you life.
So . . . what gives you life?
What lights you up?
What brings you joy?
That last one is a good place to start . . . Joy is a portal to your deepest desires.
People often ask how I quit my good-paying, stable federal government job to start my own business.
It’s a long story, and it didn’t happen over nite.
But, it did start with two things:
My awareness of and willingness to accept that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life, and
Taking one tiny step after tiny step to change that.
The first tiny step I took—no lie—was that I started keeping a list of “Things That Bring Me Joy” in the notes app on my iPhone.
Yep . . . sounds silly, right?
But not so silly now as I sit here 5 years later with my own business.
Keeping this “Joy List” spontaneously occurred to me one day. I just thought it might be a cool experiment to tune into the moments when I felt deep joy.
There were all kinds of things on there, and nothing was off-limits, no matter how silly it sounded.
like playing with my dog, Winnie . . .
listening to music . . .
hiking . . .
helping people with their problems . . .
traveling . . .
drinking a really good margarita . . .
working with dogs . . .
speaking in public (yep, I’m weird that way).
Something in me trusted that if I did this little exercise long enough, some insights would emerge.
Insights about what I may want to do with my life . . .
what my purpose is . . .
what I deeply desired for my life.
Gradually, some themes did emerge, which eventually led me to my coaching and mindfulness programs.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
(You can also read 16 Bullshit-Free Tips to Connect to Your Purpose in Your 40s and 50s and see how the #1 tip is to keep the “Things That Bring Me Joy” list).
GenX’ers—you have a fabulous opportunity here in your 40s and 50s . . .
to pay attention to the niggling feeling that life isn’t what you thought it would be . . .
to know that underneath that niggling there is a deeper desire that’s trying to come through . . .
to be curious about what that deeper desire is by paying attention to the moments that truly bring you joy—no matter how silly or weird they may be . . .
and then, to exercise the empowered sides of independence, self-sufficiency, and creativity, combined with interdependence, community, and logic . . .
to start taking tiny steps toward breathing life into that deepest desire.
And if you want to take this work to the next level, grab your FREE audio: The Inner Compass Masterclass. This private podcast—only for subscribers—takes you through 3 steps to find your way back to yourself, what matters, and your purpose. And it all starts by learning to cultivate your internal guidance system - your Inner Compass.