This One Thing Will Make You an Unfuckwithable GenX’er

I hope that y’all had a chance to check out last week’s post about The Ultimate Game Changer: the power of paradox.

To show how powerful this concept of paradox can be for GenX’ers in their 40’s and 50’s, I want to explore the most prevalent paradox that I’ve noticed as GenX’er.

This paradox is one that I personally have been invited to embrace lately. And trust me when I say that it took everything in me to try to embrace this paradox. In fact, I’m still trying – it’s a work in progress. But what I’ve noticed is that leaning into this paradox has allowed me to find more grace and a bit more ease for myself. It’s allowed me to gradually – and I do mean gradually – become more unfuckwithable.

What does it mean to be unfuckwithable? It means that we suffer less in life. It does not mean that we never experience pain, setbacks, disappointments, etc. It does mean, however, that we can experience what life throws at us through a different, more empowering lens. That lens – the lens of paradox – invites to have less resistance to “what is.” Instead of thinking that we have to choose between two seemingly conflicting opposites, we can begin to realize that the conflict is an illusion. Instead of fighting, denying, and railing against what is happening, we can learn to see that there is a deeper truth at play.

And, when we can see that there is a deeper truth at play, we can ease our resistance to what is happening, and, ultimately, suffer less. And when we suffer less, we become unfuckwithable . . . life doesn’t knock us down as easily or, when it does, we can get back up with more grace and ease.

So, what is this paradox that I’ve been invited to embrace?

It’s the paradox of “independence and dependence.”

GenX’ers love to embrace our independent streak! We pride ourselves on our DIY capabilities and ingenuity.

Over the course of our lives there are several factors that may have contributed to our independent streak:

• growing up having to entertain ourselves at home alone;

• being disappointed by people when we did ask for help;

• seeing our Baby Boomer parents model those same DIY/independent tendencies;

• being conditioned by society and culture about the value of independence.

No matter what has fostered our independent streak, there often is also a shadow side (see my post about Shadow Work Basics) to that independence: we have learned that being dependent on others or asking for help is a sign of weakness. We therefore set up an internal conflict: “If I do it all alone, I’m strong. But if I ask for help, I’m weak.”

And that conflict is bull. There really is no “either/or” conflict situation. It’s actually a “both/and” paradox situation.”

In other words, it’s not “I’m either independent or dependent.” It’s “I’m both independent and dependent.”

When we view independent and dependent as conflicting with each other, we end up waging an internal war with parts of ourselves. For example, during times when we’re really struggling – maybe with financial issues or the loss of a parent – our “either/or” conflict thinking will make us falsely believe that we need to just suffer in silence, all on our own. That we need to just grin ‘n bear it. Suck it up. Pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.

When we do that, we end up resisting the part of us that deeply wants to connect . . . that wants help or support . . . the part of human nature that is hard-wired to need other people. Our “either/or” conflict thinking causes us to stuff down and ignore that part of us that wants help or support. If you’ve been keeping up on the blog posts the last few weeks, you’ll know that this creates those shadows I’ve been talking about.

And when those shadows get ignored, they will make your life increasingly more difficult. It’s like you have a tiny toddler inside you demanding that you ask for some help or support, and you’ve decided to put some ear plugs in to drown out that toddler’s cries. But that doesn’t make the toddler go away . . . it just makes them cry louder.

When we can view “independence and dependence” through the “both/and” paradox thinking, we can allow for that toddler’s voice to be heard. In other words, we can listen to that part of us that deeply longs for some help or support . . . to connect with others in our time of need.

Asking for help or depending on others doesn’t undermine our independence. Sometimes we need a helping hand to move through life’s challenges . . . to help us know that we can move through situation or even to ease our burden as we do so.

And when we can do that, we can learn that asking for help and relying on others can allow us to be or feel more independent in the long run. It can help to boost our confidence, improve our morale, and allow us to see perspectives that we may not have seen if we tried to go it alone.

The invitation of seeing independence and dependence as a paradox instead of a conflict is to lean into the fact that we are all connected. To accept that it’s not only okay, but indeed necessary, to rely on others. And when we can do that, we can stop resisting the fact that dependence is part of our human nature just as much as independence is.

But, as GenX’ers in our 40’s and 50’s, it can be hard to unwind lifelong habits of independence. It can feel uncomfortable to ask for help or support. It can feel too vulnerable to depend on others. And we can fear the crushing sense of disappointment if ask for help and are told “no.”

So, I am not – by any stretch — asking you to dive into the deep end of depending on others. As with everything I do, I’m inviting you to start small, with one tiny step. Start with asking for help or support around something that is relatively small, or that feels comfortably uncomfortable.

For example, one way that I’ve leaned into relying more on others is to ask for help with projects around the house – like moving furniture or fixing something. My DIY GenX instinct is to figure it all out on my own . . . to Google how to fix a fence myself . . . or to risk throwing my back out by moving a heavy piece of furniture all by myself.

But, I’ve leaned into asking for help with things like that, which still feels totally uncomfortable. “Why would I bother someone else when I can just do it myself?”

Here’s one reason why: because other people often like to help. Sometimes they don’t, and that’s okay. But for the most part, human beings love to feel like they are needed . . . like they are of use . . . like they can lend a helping hand. So, by me leaning into dependence more, I not only decrease my resistance to it, but I can also help someone else feel that they are needed.

And here’s another reason to lean into dependence by starting small: it allows you to build your muscle of leaning on other people and asking for help when it comes to bigger things in life. That way, when something rocks your world . . . shakes you to your core . . . you don’t feel like you’re jumping into the deep end of a freezing-ass pool by asking for some help.

Finally, here’s the real pisser: you’re not as independent as you think. Unless maybe you totally live off-grid, by yourself, in a remote cabin (in which case you’re not likely reading this). And even then, you’re dependent on nature . . . on the air you breathe . . . on the food you eat . . . on people who make the stuff you use.

When we GenX’ers spend our lives pounding our chests over how independent we are, we’re fooling ourselves. What we’ve done is drawn some arbitrary line in the sand to denote what we think is independent and what we think is dependent. Someone else may have drawn a totally different line. So, who’s right?

The answer: neither of you and both of you. What feels dependent or independent for you, is your own truth . . . and it’s not someone else’s truth. Their own version of dependent or independent is true for them, but not for you. Each version is its own truth and its own untruth.

There is nothing inherently right or wrong with independence or dependence. It’s our individual beliefs about what those words mean that can get in our way of a more full, connected, and empowered life.

So, why not pick a version of dependence and independence that causes you less suffering . . . that allows you to honor your connection to other people . . . that gives you more grace and ease as you navigate life’s challenges?

Why not pick a version that, in the long run, can help you be more unfuckwithable?

So, what is one tiny thing that you could ask for some help or support with this week?

Leave your comment below.