Unleash Your Inner GenX Power: Pt 4 - 7-Step Basic Shadow Work Process
Welcome back to week four of this series to unleash inner GenX power!
Are you all caught up on the first three weeks of this series? If not, I invite you to take a few moments to do so because this week, we’re bringing it all home!
Before we jump in today, I want to share some cautionary notes. Although shadow work can be a transformative and powerful process, it's important to approach it with caution, self-compassion, and ideally, a guide.
I first learned shadow work a couple of years ago with one of my coaches. Since then I’ve participated in other group shadow work courses and done my homework . . . a lot of homework!
In my opinion, some people over-promise when it comes to shadow work, trying to convince people that this work will be the solution to end all your struggles. Other people approach shadow work too cavalierly, with little to no regard for people’s current mental or emotional challenges, or for the existence of trauma that could be activated by this work.
I approach shadow work with humility and respect for the work, as well as compassion and respect for the clients with whom I do this work. I never do shadow work with someone if I believe that this work could re-traumatize them.
(Sidenote: 90% of the population has experienced trauma and many people haven’t been able to metabolize that trauma. I’m not saying that people with trauma should never do shadow work. I am saying that it’s vitally important to take into account your own known and unknown traumas and seek the guidance of a professional before embarking down the shadow work road.
Like any kind of personal development work - including mindfulness - our underlying traumas can be triggered in unexpected ways by shadow work . . . which just makes sense because shadow work is dealing with our triggers, right? The key is to have an appreciation for when we have become too triggered, too activated, too unregulated by any personal development work that we’re doing. When that happens, we stop, take care of ourselves, and seek the support of a professional. I recommend seeking out a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner through www.traumahealing.org. And if you ever feel like you want to harm yourself when doing any kind of personal development work, immediately call or text 988).
Finally, shadow work is not a substitute for therapy.
Now . . . hi ho, hi ho…it’s down the shadow work road we go.
I want to invite you into a basic - and I do mean super basic - shadow work process. It can help to use this practice as a journaling exercise, writing out the responses to these prompts. Over time, with practice, this process can be done in the moment when you notice a shadow trying to get your attention.
So, when you feel agitated, annoyed, angry, stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely - any kind of heavy emotion that feels triggering - here’s a 7-Step Basic Shadow Work Process you can do:
Notice it: Notice when you’re feeling triggered. Awareness is always the first step. Instead of getting carried away by a trigger, pause to notice it.
Name it: Name what the specific trigger is. Recall the 3 types of triggers from the Shadow Work Basics post. Name the trigger by noting whether it’s:
something you don’t like in someone else;
something you don’t like in yourself; or
envy or jealousy
Tell it: Tell the story of what’s happening in this situation.
What happened to allow you to feel triggered?
What is being said or done to upset you?
What thoughts are you having about this situation, yourself, or others?
What emotions can you name (if you can) - do you feel angry, sad, anxious, etc?
Admit it: Now it’s time to get real with what’s going on and why it bothers you.
Why does this matter to you?
What do you think this says about you?
What is your deepest fear underneath all of this? ** This is the key. This is where the shadow hides . . . all the way down in our deepest fears. And here’s your biggest hint: the root of all fears is the fear that we are not enough - what I call Not Enoughness. Whether we’re not smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, organized enough, successful enough, etc., this Not Enoughness is the deep rooted shadow that everyone has.
Ask it: Get really curious about what this shadow wants you to know. Yes, I’m basically inviting you to have a conversation with your shadow, i.e., part of yourself. It’s okay, no one is watching:
Think of the shadow like an upset toddler.
What does it want from you? Hint: the answer is not “my shadow wants me to be happy or to just suck it up.” No. Think of the shadow like a toddler who is having a tantrum. What is the shadow really complaining about?
What is the shadow protecting you from?
What do you secretly get out of having this shadow? Tip: nobody really likes this question! This is some hard shit to admit. But there is something that we get out of our shadows . . . some benefit that we don’t want to admit. Like if we have a fear that we won’t finish a race we’ve signed up for, a secret benefit of that shadowy fear might be that it allows us to avoid the pain of training because we can assume that we’ll fail, so we never follow through on the training.
Appreciate it: Once you’ve heard what the shadow is really trying to tell you, it’s time to give it some attention. Again, think of the screaming toddler. The shadow, like the toddler, wants some attention. With our shadows, we want to:
Show them gratitude for trying to protect you. Come up with a phrase - even a simple “thank you” - that you can express to the shadow for trying to protect you; and
Show it compassion. That little shadow has been working its butt off to protect you. So show it some kindness for how hard it’s worked to do so. Come up with some phrase, like “I see how tired you are. You must be exhausted from trying to protect me.”
This little shadow just wants some gratitude and kindness.
Integrate it: Now, here’s the real kicker. We want to integrate - not get rid of - our shadows. Remember, we have shadows because they represent something that we’ve been trying to suppress, ignore, or deny. And look where that has gotten us. So we want to integrate the shadow - invite it along for the ride - but invite it to take a seat in the back instead of in the driver’s seat. We can say something like “you can come along for the ride, but I’ve got this now.” And then, revisit the triggering situation and ask how you want to respond from this place of integration, with the shadow in the backseat and your consciousness in the driver’s seat.
Phew! I know that can sound like a lot. But let me share that this is a basic practice that I do myself, and that I’ve deepened over the last three years to work with particular shadow/power pairs. I usually do this process by journaling about my shadow triggers, and you’d be blown away by the shit that comes out when I do so!
Before I sit down to do my journaling practice, I’m usually feeling pretty heavy, triggered, and don’t even want to sit down to do it. During the journaling practice, I’m often writing furiously - almost like something has taken over my hand - and sometimes crying. And then, after I’m done, I feel a lightness, a wholeness, that I can’t even really explain. And I’m usually exhausted - in a good way. It’s like a gigantic release that has left me feeling fully complete, whole, and empowered.
Fully integrated . . . like we are supposed to be.
Full human beings that live from our light and our dark.
And that, dear one, leads me to a surprise. Stay tuned next week for a bonus week 5 in this series. Trust me . . . you won’t want to miss this one!
In the meantime, if you want some additional resources, I recommend:
Rob Bell Podcast (the Robcast) episode 22: Light, Heavy, Light
Therapy for Black Girls podcast, session 279: The Power of Shadow Work
Book: Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche, by Robert Johnson
And, if you want to take your shadow work to a deeper level and learn about four specific shadow/power pairs, I’m here to guide you through that work. My Shadow Work Intensive may be the perfect fit for you. Just send me an email: Michele@lifefromthesummit.com
Please leave me your reflections or questions on this 7-Step Basic Shadow Work Process below.