How Learning My Core Values Changed My Life at 49
Take a seat, grab a cool refreshing drink on this hot day, close the door, and take a few moments to sink into what I’m about to tell you.
Because this . . . this one thing . . . is the thing that fundamentally changed how I live my life.
This one thing that I wish I’d known before I went to college and law school.
What I wish I’d had a better grasp on back when I was doing endurance races . . .
and that I wish I had the first freakin’ clue about in every single relationship I had.
The one thing that allowed me to face the real reasons I was so unhappy as a lawyer for so many years.
And the one thing that has allowed me to keep plugging away at my business, even when it’s freakin’ hard.
It’s the one thing that now allows me to make difficult decisions with more ease, grace, and compassion . . .
that guides me in learning how to make more conscious decisions every single day that honor who I want to be and what’s deeply important to me in life.
And it’s the one thing that laid the foundation for me to decide to quit my stable, federal government attorney job and start my own business (in a totally different profession) at the age of 49.
That one thing, in two words is:
Like most GenX’ers, for the first half of my life, I never gave a single thought to what was really important to me. Sure, I had some vague (and, in hindsight, uninformed) ideas of what I “thought” might be important.
Things like “get good grades.” “Find a good job.” “Get married.” “Have kids.” “Have fun.” “Be physically fit and look good.” “Save for retirement.” “Work hard.” “Be productive.”
I imagine that some of those may feel true for you as well.
Then, as I entered my early 40’s, I started noticing that my life felt “off.”
Like I wasn’t where I was meant to be.
Like I’d gotten “off-track” and yet, wasn’t sure what “track” I was “supposed” to be on.
Like I’d been wearing someone else’s shoes or clothes that had always been two sizes too small and yet I never realized how constricted they made me feel.
I started noticing this undercurrent of restlessness . . .
that on some days felt like it would pull me under because I kept fighting against it.
I had this general sense that despite all of my accomplishments, I had somehow managed to create a life that felt “unlived.”
That by doing “what I was supposed to do” and following other people’s paths, had gotten me lost in the forest of my own life.
Any of that sounding familiar?
It wasn’t until I had a bad break-up in 2016, that something about knowing our “Core Values” caught my attention while I was doom scrolling on social media.
“Knowing my what?” I thought.
“Hadn’t I known my Core Values throughout my life?” I wondered.
I thought I’d sort of been doing life according to what was important to me . . .
Or had I?
“Core Values” sounded clear enough and yet, simultaneously, foreign enough to leave me puzzled.
Intrigued by the idea of figuring out my Core Values, I sat down and started making a list of what felt deeply important to me.
About three very contemplative days later (I was like a dog with a bone), I emerged from my deep dive with my list of 5 Core Values:
Honesty
Compassion
Growth
Vulnerability
Freedom
I sat with that list in front of me and it was the fog suddenly lifted and the sun shined through the clouds, showing me what I’d never been able to see before.
“Where have you been all my life?” I asked.
“How did I live this long without really knowing you?”
I felt a grounded sense of clarity, direction, and purpose that I’d never known.
Uncovering my Core Values felt like I’d done a deep excavation right down to the core of who I am,
what I wanted,
and what is important to me.
These five Core Values are what I call my North Star.
They guide me, keep me on course, and provide my stable foundation.
When I’m feeling agitated or restless or like I’m not where I should be, it’s because something’s outta whack with my Core Values.
And by “outta whack,” I mean out of alignment with one or more of those Core Values.
Let me give you the easiest example . . .
By now you probably know how miserable I was as a lawyer, especially the last 8 years or so of my legal career.
And while there were many factors that went into that (including the toxic pressure and expectations that are baked into the legal system), the biggest factor was that being a lawyer didn’t allow me to live every day feeling like I was in alignment with my Core Values.
In fact, most days I felt like I was just piling layer upon layer on top of my unknown Core Values, causing me to feel heavy . . .
like an emotional constipation.
Take my value of Freedom for example.
Being a lawyer didn’t often allow me to honor that Core Value because lawyers spend most of their time tethered to other people’s schedules and expectations. Lawyers are held hostage by arbitrary deadlines. Left to organize their lives and their free time according to client, court, management, and partner schedules.
Although I experienced a lot of Freedom through being an attorney - like financial freedom - it wasn’t enough to offset the amount of cognitive dissonance I had over the lack of Freedom from having my life and schedule dictated to me by external forces.
In addition, I didn’t feel that I had creative Freedom. Every brief, memo, or oral argument had to be phrased in a way that sounded “like a lawyer” or “professional.” God forbid I put too much “flowery” language in a brief, or sound “too informal,” or try to come up with a new argument that would have to be run through five layers of bureaucratic approval.
Needless to say, my Freedom took a backseat as a lawyer.
Another example is my value of Compassion.
Even if I tried to show up as a compassionate person in my interactions with other attorneys, I was often met with aggression and over-assertiveness that made it beyond difficult to tow a compassionate line. Plus, the hostility and argumentativeness that defines the legal profession often didn’t allowed me to feel like I was in a compassionate environment. So, there was a lot of friction with my value of compassion.
But, the thing is . . . I didn’t know at the time that my emotional constipation and misery as a lawyer was tied to me not being able to more fully honor the Core Values that are deeply important to me.
I thought that there was something wrong with me. Or that I just needed to suck it up and find a way to make it work. Or, worse yet, that I should just act like everyone else and not let all of that shit bother me. In other words, just “act like a lawyer” and be damn grateful for the job while you’re at it.
It wasn’t until I excavated all the layers to reveal my Core Values that I realized that spending the majority of my time “acting like a lawyer” was in no way a tenable path for me to honor my Core Values.
There’s a saying along the lines of “once you see, you can’t unsee.”
Once I saw my Core Values, I couldn’t unsee them.
I couldn’t pretend anymore.
Knowing my Core Values is what inspired me to start my own business. A business where I can more fully honor those Core Values on a daily basis.
It’s what allowed me to create a 1.5-year plan to exit my legal career and so that I could do my business full-time.
Honoring my Core Values is what I practice (and yes, it’s a damn practice) every single freakin’ day . . . time and time again.
So back to my examples of Freedom and Compassion.
Honoring my Core Value of Freedom now looks like setting my own schedule in a way that works for my rhythms, my flow, and my nervous system.
It looks like being able to work from the road when I want . . .
not showering for three days in a row because - well, why bother when I work from home? Who do I have to “impress”? (Winnie certainly doesn’t care). Plus, it saves water and doesn’t dry out my skin and hair as much.
Honoring my Core Value of Freedom looks like getting to write and express myself the way I want - not how other people want me to. (It even includes bucking the traditional ways of speaking and writing “King’s English,” which is all made up rules anyway and, importantly, is rooted in oppressive systems of whiteness and racism. But that’s a topic for another day).
It allows me to make typos and not give two shits.
Honoring my Core Value of Compassion now looks like taking a rest day when my body says “we need to shut this shit down for awhile.”
It looks like releasing my expectations of how I’m supposed to act or how other people are supposed to act, and allowing each of us to be exactly how we are.
It looks like creating a business that embodies Compassion for all.
Uncovering my Core Values has put me back on the path that was meant to be mine all along . . .
which is not the path that others expected me to travel.
Does that mean my life is one big happy tip-toe through the tulips every day?
Hell no.
What it does mean, is that I feel more empowered to make conscious choices (when I remember to!) that allow me to prioritize and honor what’s important to me.
From whether I’m going to attend an event . . .
to how I want to run my business . . .
to how I approach my relationship with money . . .
to whether I go for a run or not.
When I feel empowered to make conscious choices, I can free myself from that emotional constipation . . .
from the heaviness of feeling like my life is being dictated to me . . .
like I’m just getting tossed around by what life throws at me without any autonomy or agency over how I respond.
What I’ve learned over the last few years, is that living more in alignment with my Core Values is:
Work
Messy
Empowering
A process and
A practice
And . . . it’s so fucking worth it!
It’s what allows me to feel more lit up by my life . . .
fueled by my purpose.
So, I’d like to invite you to pause for a moment . . .
reflect on where you might be feeling “outta whack” . . .
where you might feel like you’ve gotten off-course . . .
or where you might feel like your life is somehow “unlived” . . .
when and where you feel like you “have to” or “should” be doing something.
And once you’ve reflected on these invitations, I want to invite you to grab your free Inner Compass Masterclass audio.
This audio takes you through the 3 steps I used to not only find my Core Values, but to go from feeling lost & trapped, to more purposeful & free . . . all at the age of 49!
You can listen while you’re driving to work 🚘 or walking the dog 🦮.
It really couldn’t be easier.
So grab your free Inner Compass Masterclass audio and start blazing your path toward your Core Values.